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Ugly Truths

I wish yesterday had never happened.  I wish I hadn’t spent a half hour crying in front of my office building in the middle of the workday.

But it happened, and I did.

I have some things for which I need to apologize, and then some things I feel I need to better explain.

First, I approached a situation in an inappropriate way yesterday, and in doing so, hurt someone I care deeply about.

I’m sorry.  I was out of line.  I could have conveyed my message in a far less inflammatory way, and it wouldn’t have led into the blow-out that it did.

Second, I allowed my feelings about my infertility to take over a situation that had nothing to do with infertility in the first place.

I’m sorry.  I pray every day for the grace to be able to control the way I express my feelings about my lack of fertility, and I often fail.  I know I’m not the only one who fails at some of their attempts, but it never feels good to have to acknowledge that fact.  It feels almost as bad as the devastating effects of infertility…

Third, I word-vomited all over said person about whom I care deeply, thereby making said person feel like I resent their fertility and pregnancy.

I’m sorry.  I do not resent you, your family, your child-to-be, or your ability to create said child.  I do, on the other hand, sometimes feel resentful toward all people who are able to conceive without much trouble.  That is not your fault.  It’s mine.

And this is where the ugly truths come out.

  • Chances are, if you are someone close to me who has become pregnant in the past two years, I have, at one point, felt resentfully toward you.  Not because I feel that you got knocked up to spite me, or to rub it in my face, but because of petty jealousy that I try, and often fail, to control.
  • This is not to say that I will continue to feel this way.  Every person close to me who has become pregnant while the husband and I have been struggling to conceive has created a child (or children) to whom I have become very attached.  I love you, and I love your children.  It’s just that sometimes the overwhelming feeling of “Life’s Not Fair!” comes over me, and while I can usually smile my way through it, sometimes it just comes out all over the place like so much word-vomit.
  • It takes me a while to reconcile my feelings when I find out that someone is pregnant.  The closer you are to me, the harder it is.  It’s not pretty, but that’s apparently how it works.  If I had any way to control that, trust me, I would choose to not feel this way at all!
  • The only cure for my bitterness, jealousy, and feelings of selfishness and guilt are God’s grace, and having my very own child.  I wish I could say that I was capable of working toward being able to stifle my emotions, but the longer I am on this journey, the harder it becomes.
  • Life is not fair.  Nowhere is it written that it is.  I know this, all too well sometimes, but I also know that I am better off than many.  I know that I should not cast stones in a glass house and that everyone in the world has their problems, but sometimes infertility makes me want to throw shit around and break everything in my path.  I’m not proud of it, and I don’t like when I become that person.  I want to be better, and I will try to be.  I will sometimes fail, and I need you to still love me even when I do.
  • I hate that when I get into one of my “break shit” moods, there is often collateral damage.  If it were just material things I can replace, then fine.  Often though, it’s relationships that take a beating when I am not in control of my emotions.  The things I feel are dark, powerful and all-consuming sometimes, but I know that expressing them can often be offensive and hard to swallow for those who have never dealt with something so crippling.
  • I sometimes say things I regret.  Sometimes out of bitterness and jealousy and hormone-induced emotional outbursts, and sometimes because I am Tracy, and I cannot control the litany of expletives that occasionally fly from my lips.  I do not relish these explosive word-vomits, nor do I relish hurting people close to me.  But it happens.  And I’m sorry.  Every. Single.  Time.
  • I am not familiar or comfortable with my emotions in any way.  I am not the type of person who cries at the drop of a hat.  Or ever, typically.  This process, these hormones, and this whole journey are forcing me – kicking and screaming – to face my emotions, and I am doing so clumsily at best.  I’m not a crier.  Except lately, when I am.
  • When I don’t have it in me to cry, I sometimes become withdrawn.  Sometimes I don’t eat.  Sometimes I am nauseous for days.  Sometimes I actually-vomit.  When my emotions don’t come out, they plague me internally.  Sometimes even when they do come out, I still feel guilt for having burdened others.  I’ve felt this way for almost 24 hours now, and I hate it.
  • I truly despise the fact that this process has taken such a toll on me.  The only thing I hate more is the toll it’s taking on those I care about most.  Whether they are the recipients of my word-vomit, the perpetual shoulder upon which I lean, or the dear friend who is forced to witness one of my emotional breakdowns, it doesn’t get any easier.
  • Having friends and family who are supportive is wonderful.  I understand that it can be difficult to be supportive of something you cannot possibly fathom, however, and I appreciate all attempts… despite the way I may act.  I want to make this easier for others to understand, but I can see that in some cases, doing so is only making me feel better, and them feel worse.
  • This is not my intention, and I am working on learning who I should be brutally honest with, and who I should leave out of the messy details.
  • Some people dealing with infertility go to therapy.  Blogging is my therapy.  It works amazingly well for me, but it lacks one of the key components of therapy… Privacy.  Which is kind of the point, right?  I want to share this journey with other Infertiles to make them feel less isolated in their own journeys, and to help the Fertiles understand that there is a constant hurricane of emotions going on inside of every person dealing with this process.
  • Sharing this process helps me, but it may hurt others.  If you are hurt by what I share here, I urge you to either talk to me about it, or stop reading.  I can work to control the way I express myself out loud, but this is my safe zone to say what I am feeling, whether it’s happy and hopeful, or dark and depressing.
  • That being said, I do not ever mean to offend anyone with my words.  That’s the thing… they’re my words.  My feelings.  My journey.  My infertility.  This is the hand I’ve been dealt, and if you are in my life, then sadly, you’ve been dealt it too.  I will try to protect you from the worst of what I feel, but if you ask me, I will be totally, devastatingly honest.
  • I want to be better, and I am trying.  It’s exhausting to express my feelings, and even more exhausting to hide them.  The fact that I have them in the first place makes me want to curl up in bed and not come out for days.
  • A wise man (believe it or not!) once told me that this process is like the worst lottery ever.  Everyone you know enters, and everyone you know wins a million dollars.  Sometimes they win three, four, five million dollars.  You enter the drawing the same way they did, and yet you still cannot win.  You are poor, and your friends are rich.  Sometimes people who don’t even enter the contest land a jackpot.  You want to be happy for them, but it grows more and more difficult.  It’s infuriating and unfair, and all you can do is watch, grow jealous, and continue to enter the drawing month after month with nothing to show for your attempts but an empty bank account and a constant sadness.
  • The worst part is that if this process were really about money, I would be in a much better place emotionally.  This is worse though, because while in real life your friends will rarely win a million dollars, they will probably procreate.  Money can be made over and over again in a lifetime.  It can be spent and gained back, gambled away and earned in earnest.  Fertility is hit or miss.  You have 3 to 5 days per month to conceive, and no more than a 20% chance even then.  Infertiles have far fewer chances, and their lottery entries are made painstakingly carefully every time, and are always met with disappointment on the drawing day.

So that’s the truth.  I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

Raw.  Honest.

Unfortunate, but sadly realistic.

To the person (people) I hurt yesterday, I’m sorry.  I love you.  All three of you.  I hate that what I’m going through has changed our relationship, but I know we still have some elasticity and bounce-back.

None of what I’m doing is happy, and everything you have is amazing and joyous.  I am rejoicing along with you, and trying to reconcile the rest of my feelings at the same time.

It’s all a process.  I’m in the middle of the ride.  The rest is still unwritten.  Life goes on.  Carry on my wayward son.  …Okay, that last one didn’t really work, but… meh.

I hate infertility.  I love my life and everyone in it.

Somewhere there has to be a middle ground.

I’m working on finding it… at least until fertility finds me.

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9 comments on “Ugly Truths

  1. MissTeddi
    June 22, 2012 at 10:24 am #

    Tracy, I love your blog and your sharing to help the rest of us understand. Life is often so unfair. Just know that we are all routing and praying and cheering you on. Many of your friends (and SO many who don’t even know you and how awesome you are) wait on pins and needles with you every month in hopeful anticipation. We love you. Cheers to a new day.

    Like

    • Tracy
      June 22, 2012 at 11:05 am #

      Thank you, Teddi! I appreciate the people who read my blog, and I love that I have support of friends and strangers. I only wish I could somehow properly convey how this feels to those who have never known loss.

      …Do you think the Vulcan Mind Meld is real? 😉

      Like

  2. MissTeddi
    June 22, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    I think you convey it as well as anyone could without experiencing it themselves. It seems that there are so many issues regarding children where the Vulcan mind meld would be useful:) I’ve gotten some scathing remarks from friends on some of our decisions. It’s lack of filter in realizing everyone’s situation is different and I realize that. Hang in there. Good things lie ahead!

    Like

  3. cassiedash
    June 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

    Please know you’re not alone…I think everyone who has been on this journey has felt jealousy and resentment towards everyone who is part of the fertile crowd. I don’t like that part of myself either, but I realize I’m only human and I have a right to feel what I feel, even if it’s ugly. And I like what that wise man had to say…I never thought of it that way, but it’s a good analogy. Except, the reality is even worse. Hang in there!

    Like

  4. Katie
    June 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    You said all of this perfectly. Its such an ugly place to be…and I commend you for putting it all in words. Great post…

    Like

  5. Vicki
    June 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

    Everyone gets upset and mad when they don’t get what they want. I always said that to my friends. Imagine how upset and irritated you get when your spouse doesn’t do what you want them to do(take out the trash or clean out the garage after you have asked them 14x), when your KIDS(because they had kids, I did not) don’t do what you want them to do, when the day doesn’t go your way,when you can’t afford that new car you want or that new dress you’d like to have or go on that vacation you wanted to etc. It sucks. Now imagine your body not doing what you want it to do, what it was made to do and what everyone else’s seems to be able to do. Imagine feeling broken(physically and emotionally),empty,scared,mad,hurt,frustrated and no amount of money,prayer,support from friends,kind words from family can fix it. Nothing can fix it, nobody can tell you why, and you have to pretend it doesn’t suck as much as it does because you wouldn’t want to make others uncomfortable or speak of such a taboo topic or God forbid steal an ounce of their joy over a pregnancy. It’s just a roll of the dice every. single. month. and It sucks. every. single. month, it hurts and it feels on the inside the way the worst toddler temper tantrum looks. It is hard to hold it in every day(because we do think about it every single day) so don’t beat yourself up about letting some of it out. It happens and a real friend will forgive you and understand that it was not personal. 🙂

    Like

  6. Tanya
    June 22, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    So raw. So honest. So true.

    I think that all of us who have walked this walk have said and done and felt the things you talk about in this post. We’re human and we can’t help but feel jealous and angry when our friends and family get what we are so desperately trying for and cannot obtain. And unfortunately sometimes that jealousy and anger cannot be contained and it comes out in ways that we soon regret.

    I’m sorry you are going through this and I’m sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. I hope that today is better, that your friends and family are able to forgive you, that you are able to pick up the pieces and start over, and most of all, that you very soon get what you so desperately desire. (((HUGS)))

    Like

  7. zygotta
    June 23, 2012 at 9:10 am #

    It took me years, decades to learn to control my moos and emotions. Now, at 33, I am somewhat satisfied with my ability to keep my emotions at bay and restrain the need to say what I think and feel, here and now.

    I guess battling with a failing marriage, then picking myself up after the divorce, were the toughest times, htorugh which I found out who my real friends were.

    I truly hope that all your struggles with IF will result in a healthy BFP really soon and that the pregnancy will bring the peace you’re seeking.

    Don’t be too tough on yourself. Those who love you, know what you’re going through. They will understand.

    Like

  8. A Morning Grouch
    July 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    It is so hard to control thoughts and emotions, especially when you keep getting slammed with new news of someone else becoming pregnant. It’s hard. It’s really hard. Good for you for recognizing when you’re outwardly acting in a way that might hurt others, but know that it is just too much sometimes to keep it all in. 😦 Hang in there.

    Like

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