Month: May 2012

Sometimes All You Can Do Is Laugh…

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Door Number Four

Monday, May 21st, 2012.  CD1.

Well, it’s been a whirlwind twenty-four hours.

This time yesterday I was staring at a home pregnancy test with a very visible second line.

Oh, and freaking out.  I freaked out.  More than a little.

Fast forward a few hours and a few more pregnancy tests (all of which were negative), and the telltale spotting began.

By this morning, I was fully aware (read: no longer in denial and losing a great deal of blood) that my third IUI cycle was done.

I called the doc on the way to my beta this morning to let them know I’d be needing my Cycle Day 1 blood work and ultrasound.

I decided to be gentle with myself for a change, and stayed home from work today.  Right now, I’m in bed and catching up on some DVRed programming I’ve been too busy to watch.

(Off topic:  Does every show on TV right now have an infertility/miscarriage/adoption story line going on?  Oy!  First Grey’s Anatomy, then Private Practice, and now Sister Wives?  I may not have chosen the best shows to watch for this particular day in my life.  Ugh.  Rant over.)

And so, with that unceremonious end and a negative beta, we trudge on to IUI cycle four.  This will be the last cycle in the AMIGOS unexplained infertility study, which also means that it’s my last fully-funded IUI cycle.

In an effort to make this one count, the docs agreed to increase my meds.  They are hoping that increasing the follicular count will help me have better odds of fertilization and implantation.

Very science-y, docs.

I don’t care what we have to do…  Just gimme mah baby.

Now you go get to work on that.  I’m gonna lay here and try not to die.

This makes me extra-proud of the bits of Danish blood I have in me. The pastries don’t hurt either.


12DPO Trigger Progression

Saturday, May 19th, 2012.  CD26, 12DPIUI.

Well, it’s been 14 days since the trigger shot, and I think it’s finally out of my system.  Sheesh.

I really had hopes of seeing the lines start to get darker, instead of just lighter and lighter and fading away completely.  Ugh.

Well, on a positive note, I almost tossed my cookies on the patio of a restaurant last night when some old dude started eating his fries with vinegar.  Blech!  I was surprised how much the smell effected me.  And then later, at the baseball game, I swear I could still smell the vinegar… I also teared up during the national anthem.  Totally weird.

Oh, and my boobs?  They caught up with the cycle and finally started to torture me, as per usual.  Of course.

AND my temp appears to be in a free-fall.  Great.

I guess I figure that if I were pregnant, I would probably be getting BFPs before symptoms… right?

Oh I just don’t know.

I’m going to go clean the house and then get outside and enjoy this beautiful, sunny weekend.

Peace out, girl scouts.  🙂


New and Improved – Even More Crazy Per Pound!

Friday, May 18th, 2012.  CD25, 11DPIUI.

Soooo…  I really thought I was dealing with this cycle better than cycles past.

I had a plan for this Two Week Torture Wait… I’ve been staying busy, not paying such close attention to symptoms, and generally not planning for any outcome of the cycle – positive or negative.

And then?

And then the crazy came to town.

I don’t know who flipped the bitch-switch, but whoa.  Today has been intense.

I know part of it is due to lack of sleep… I should have gone to bed earlier last night, and I just didn’t sleep very restfully despite having had an hour-long massage yesterday.

All I know is that I woke up this morning with my crankypants on, and as soon as I was vertical, I realized I had a killer ear ache.  I don’t think I’ve had one of those since I was a kid!  It was weird, and it only lasted an hour, but it was enough to make my day start out kinda iffy.

The husband drove me to work today so we could drop off his car at the shop for some minor repairs, so it was nice to be able to see him in the morning.  That helped.

It also helped that today at lunchtime, we held a “baby shower” for a coworker who recently discovered an injured kitten in her driveway, took said kitten to the vet where one of his legs was amputated, and then adopted said kitten into her family!  It was adorable, and I swear half the office was in attendance.  What a spoiled little tripod that kitty’s going to be.  🙂

Okay, so by now I’m in a slightly better mood.  The husband is taking me to a baseball game tonight, and while I don’t really care so much about the sport, I do love me some hot dogs.  And sunshine.  And boys in tight pants who bend over a lot.  So there’s that.


As for the rest of the crazy, I think I finally started symptom-stalking.  Or maybe lack-of-symptom-stalking…

I have almost no breast tenderness this cycle!  That has been one of the worst, and most persistent side-effects of the Prometrium, and this month?  Nothin’.

Totally weird.

There’s also the hunger.  And thirst.  Could be from the progesterone, I know…

The fatigue.  Totally from the progesterone.  Strike that one from the record.

I’ve been kind of sniffly/sneezy/stuffy lately.  Along with that random, drive-by ear ache.  But it’s allergy season in the Great White North, and though I’ve not suffered from them in the past, it would make sense that my age has caught up with me in that regard.

My back hurts.  Real down low-like.  Even after getting a massage… I’m just hoping that’s not Aunt Flo knocking at the door.

I just want this to work.  I feel like if I want it too badly, I will somehow jinx myself.  I feel like if I act too nonchalant, I will jinx myself.

I wish I knew where the word jinx came from.  It’s fun to say, type, and look at… Hmm…





Checking In…

Tuesday, May 15th, 2012.  CD22, 8DPIUI.

I know it’s been a couple of days since I last updated the ol’ blog, so I figured I’d give you the low-down on what you’ve missed:

  • My sister-in-law’s baby “sprinkle” was on Saturday, and that was super-fun!  My twin nephews are going to be very spoiled.  🙂
  • The husband and I went away for the weekend to meet our new goddaughter.  She was amazing and adorable and sweet, and I didn’t even try to steal her once!
  • It was nice to be away.  We were able to steal away for a few minutes on Sunday morning to check out the beach in Ludington, Michigan, where I haven’t been since I was a kid.  It was a beautiful day, and we enjoyed every minute of it!
  • From there, we drove down to Grand Rapids to meet up with my family and have a nice Mother’s Day lunch.  It was great to see everyone again, especially our adorable little curly-haired niece!
  • When we got back to the Toledo area, we made the rounds to see the husband’s mom, grandma, and sister for a quick Mother’s Day visit.  Then we went to bed and crashed.  Hard.
  • On Monday morning, I drove up to the research clinic for my post-insemination ultrasound and blood work.
  • My lining was good at a 16, and my progesterone came back at a 29.  Not too shabby!
  • A funny thing happened on Saturday night:  I started getting these little stabby cramps in the general lower pelvic area.  Sometimes they were sharp enough to make me double over or catch my breath!
  • They came and went throughout the evening on Saturday, came back a few times briefly on Sunday, and continued Monday from about 10am till at least 8pm!  Weird!
  • Today, I am trying to maintain sanity as I contemplate the possibility of implantation cramps and wait for the trigger to test itself out…

And here are some photos from the weekend:

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Happy Tuesday, friends!


I’m Okay, You’re Okay.

Friday, May 11th, 2012.  CD18, 4DPIUI.

I really am okay.

Some days, notsomuch… but most days?

I’m okay.

Yesterday’s post was a bit on the dramatic side.  Not because I was looking for attention or needed some TLC, but because I wanted to bring to light the way that so many on this journey feel on a daily basis.

I know there are some who truly suffer from depression, and there are those who have been told they will never have a child of their own ever.

I know there are those who self-medicate or harm themselves because they have no other way to deal with the struggle.

I’m okay.

I have it worse than many.

I have it better than many.

I count my blessings every day.  I try to start and end my prayers with thanks, and squeeze that little bit of asking into the middle.

I may not have everything I want in life, but who does?

I may not have it all, but I’m okay.

I’ll be even more okay if I conceive this cycle, but hey… I can manage anything.

I swear.  I’m okay.  🙂


I Used To Be Funnier…

I used to be funnier.

I used to be happy.  All the time.  I was one of those

I used to laugh and smile and joke.

I used to skip and jump in puddles and stop to smell the flowers.

I used to be sweet.

I used to have this convoluted notion that one day, when the husband and I were ready for it, we would have a spontaneous, romantic intimate encounter and a few weeks later I would wake up just knowing that something was different.

I would go out and buy a pregnancy test, and get a positive result.  I would wait till the husband came home and surprise him with the news.  We would laugh and cry and hug and call to tell our families the joyous news.  We would plan out some elaborate way to announce our pregnancy to our friends; maybe a Facebook photo of the ultrasound or a clever shot of a bun in an oven.

We would make plans for that empty second bedroom.  We would talk about names and paint colors and finally choose a church.  We would warmly embrace the life that was so generously given us, and make preparations for our new family.

Now I laugh because I realize how naïve I was.

It’s a bitter laugh.

Even just a year ago, I was far more able to handle the thought of pursuing more aggressive treatments.  A year ago I felt hopeful that a different approach would do the trick.  A year ago I never thought I would still be doing this.

I think the hardest part of infertility is the grieving process.

I’ve grieved the thought of having three kids by age thirty.  Or having any kids by age 32.

I’ve grieved the idea of my kids having cousins their own age.

I’ve grieved the dream of calling to tell the doctor I’m pregnant, rather than the doctor calling to tell me.

I’ve grieved the experience of creating a child out of a loving act between husband and wife.

I’ve grieved.

It doesn’t get easier.

It hurts so much sometimes that it’s like a burning in my chest.  Sometimes I hold my breath just to keep the tears from falling.  Sometimes the happiest dreams leave me feeling bereft when the morning comes.  Sometimes I just want to quit.

I feel like I’m on a train.

I’ve gone through some beautiful countryside on this journey, but recently I’ve been taken through rocky canyons and along steep cliffs.  I’m in a dark tunnel and have no idea what’s on the other side.

It might be more beautiful countryside, a place where a young family can skip and jump in puddles and stop to smell the flowers.

Then again, there’s also a good chance the tracks may run out.  I could emerge from this in a free-fall into darkness.

Never again to be the girl of light and laughter and love, destined to live out the rest of her days in darkness and despair and depression.

I pray that’s not the case.

I know that God has a plan for me.  I know that God wouldn’t bring me to a challenge I wasn’t built to handle.  I know that God loves me and is preparing me for something bigger than all of this.

I know.

And yet, it’s hard to have faith some days.

Still though, faith is what gets me by.

I have faith that I will have a child; perhaps not by age 32, or 33, or even 40, but I will.  One day.

I have faith that my child will be loved by so many, regardless the age of his cousins.

I have faith that the joy of knowing I am going to be a mother will diffuse all of the resentment I have towards my body’s betrayal.

I have faith that my child will know he is loved, regardless if he was conceived in a petri dish or in my womb or in the womb of another.

I have faith, but I also know that I will never be able to be that girl again.

The carefree girl who laughs and smiles and jokes.

The sweet, happy, funny girl who doesn’t have a reason to cry.

I know I will never be the same after this.

But I know that I will be okay.

Even after a long period in a dark tunnel, it takes your eyes some time to adjust to the sunlight.

I won’t be the same, but I will be stronger, wiser, and have more depth than many.  I will have experienced loss and longing, and I will have had to fight for the life I want.

I will get up tomorrow and continue down this dark tunnel.

I will find my way out the other side, and regardless what’s there, I will survive.

More than that, though; I will thrive.

…I used to be funnier.  And I will get back there one day.


Third Time’s the Charm!

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012.  CD15, 1DPIUI.

Yesterday was my third IUI.

Yesterday, about thirty people said to me “Third time’s the charm!”.

I know they meant well, but jeeeeez.

Also, I hope they’re right!

The IUI went like usual, fairly quick and without incident.  A doctor actually performed this IUI, which was different than the other two that were performed by nurses.  So hey, maybe he had the magic touch!

The husband’s numbers were good, as well.  Not as mind-blowingly spectacular as last cycle, but still impressive according to the doctor.

I laid there for the obligatory 20 minutes, alternately praying and Facebooking, and when my time was up I headed home.

Well… I made a side trip to Ikea.  But then I went home.  🙂

I took the day off yesterday, and spent the whole afternoon lounging in bed, eating yummy foods, reading, and clearing crap TV off the DVR.  It was a good day.

Another amazing thing happened yesterday, too:  My newest honorary-niece, Mallory Ann, was born.  I haven’t met her yet, but I already love her.  The husband and I are taking a 5 hour trip out to meet her this weekend, and I couldn’t be more excited!

I feel like that is a good omen for my IUI cycle.  The birth of a beloved baby on the day of insemination MUST be a sign!  Her father’s birthday is also on our wedding anniversary, so it only makes sense, right?  Also, a good friend’s son turned two yesterday, and someone wonderful that I follow online finally got her BFP yesterday!  Oh, and yesterday was the seventh, which is a lucky number!

All of these things are the type of happy news that give me hope for this cycle…

Little Mallory’s birth also brings in the season of the babies in our household.  We have twin nephews due in June, and another honorary-niece or -nephew due at the end of the summer.  It will be a busy few months on the baby front, and I am hopeful that I’ll be able to continue that trend with a baby of my own in the New Year.

Sometimes it still stings, realizing that I will turn 32 this year, and have no baby of my own.  I really thought I’d be done by now!  I suppose God has other plans, and I’m trying to be patient and accept that.

It ain’t always easy, but it always brings me peace to know that God has a plan.

May you all have a peaceful week, too.  🙂



Off Guard

Saturday, May 5th, 2012.  CD12.

Well, today was my second monitoring follow-up appointment, and I assumed things would go pretty much like they did in the last cycle.

…I was wrong.

My little 15mm follie from Thursday has grown and matured well enough, and since my estradiol level has dropped, we are triggering tonight.  IUI will follow on Monday morning!

One whole day earlier than I expected, but okay!  🙂

I also got to see a good friend from out of town today, and her cute little daughter.  We went out to breakfast and talked about life.  I had crepes.  Things are good.

Oh, AND I got the good news that my pregnant friend’s contractions have started, so the little darling MIGHT be on her way!  I hope tonight’s Super Moon prompts her quick and safe arrival.  🙂

Today is a great day.  Lots of great news and experiences… Not the least of which is the fact that today is the sixth anniversary of my first “date” with the husband.  Well, we called it a date after the fact.  To be honest, it was more like a bunch of friends starting the night off with drinks and fun, and ending the night as a couple out with a few friends.

Sometimes I can’t believe how much time has passed.  Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.

We’ve been through a lot over the years we’ve been together, and we had been through a lot as friends for years before that.  Now, as married adults, we are going through one of the toughest things either of could imagine.  It’s something we never imagined we’d be going through, and yet it seems to be bringing us even closer.

I would never be able to get through this without his support.  I just hope my body stops failing and I can finally give him the only anniversary gift either of us really wants.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, friends!  🙂

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.