Bottomed Out

April 30th, 2012.  CD7.

I’m baaaaaa-aaaaaack!  🙂

Well, more accurately, I was back Saturday night… but today I am back to real life.

Speaking of life…

Real life can really suck sometimes.  You know?

Life’s not always fair.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes good people are left hanging for a long time waiting for something that never happens.

There’s been a recent development at home.

We were recently presented with news of an impending bundle of joy, and it came from very close to us.  I’m not sure why, but this announcement was the hardest to hear.

That is not to say that we aren’t happy about it.  We are happy!  Ecstatic, even!

It just stings.  And sometimes it’s hard to smile through the pain.

The news was presented to the husband first, who spared me the ambush.  He was more upset than I was, mainly because he has finally reached the point I’ve been at for a long time.

The “When is it going to be OUR turn??” point.

The point of jealousy and bitterness and guilt over jealousy and bitterness.

Him reaching that point really hurt me, even more so than the news itself.

It hurt so much that I have yet to call and congratulate the expectant parents.  I’m afraid of not reacting in a way that will convey that I am truly happy that they are getting what they want.

Getting what I want.

I’m afraid that my own selfish feelings on the subject will bubble to the surface.  I don’t want to spoil anyone’s good news EVER, and that’s why I’ve thus far avoided the conversation.

I’ll get there.  Eventually.

Anyway, aside from that somewhat traumatic event, let me update you on other recent developments.

Cycle Day 1 was fantastic.  Nothing like getting news of a chemical pregnancy to rub salt in the wound created by other people’s impressive fertility.

Cycle Day 2 was even better.  I got up at 5am to get ready for my trip to Indy, and quickly realized how completely shitty I felt.  I mean, it’s Aunt Flo.  The bitch is in the house, time to get on with the day.  What I was not expecting however, was to start vomiting like the possessed as soon as I got into the car with my poor coworker.

A four hour trip took us about six, and I think my entire digestive system was trying to evacuate my body in whatever way it could.  That was good times.

The view of downtown Indianapolis from my amazing hotel room went a long way to make me feel better. As did the room service.

Cycle Day 3 brought the start of the Indianapolis conference whirlwind, as well as the start of the next round of mystery meds.  The day was crazy and long, but I met a lot of great people and learned a ton.  No puking today!  Woo, progress!

Cycle Day 4 brought even more chaos, but by this point I was starting to have fun with it.  I felt human again on this day, and was able to really enjoy myself and engage people.  Also, wearing makeup and doing my hair helped.

Cycle Day 5 took us to an early morning conference floor wrap-up, followed by packing up our booth, checking out of the hotel, and driving home.  The drive home took considerably less time, since I was not barfing up Midol and Mountain Dew.

Oh yeah. And this happened.

When I got home, it was like the best thing that’s ever happened.  I had missed my bed, my shower, my cats, notsomuch the dog, and my husband, terribly.

I missed him a lot.

Like, a LOT-lot.  To the point that I was a Stage Five Clinger when I got home.

And for most of the day yesterday, too.

The past week has been full of ups and downs, and more than once I felt like I was hitting the lowest point I’ve been to yet.  I managed to rebound, somehow, through the grace of God and the support of others.

And I guess that’s all that really matters.

It’s not how many times you fall down, but the fact that you get back up each time.

Well, I’m up.  And I’m staying here.

At least until the next Beta Day…

4 comments on “Bottomed Out

  1. TeeJay
    April 30, 2012 at 11:45 am #

    Sorry about the pregnancy announement. No matter how happy we are for the fertiles, it always stings. I remember when my husband said he was tired of the pregnancy announcements on FB. It definitely struck a chord with me, too. He’s been pretty nonchalant about it until that point. It’s bad enough that IF hurts us but when we know it’s hurting our loved one, it hurts even more. I’m glad you are feeling better and moving forward. I hope you get success this time around and that you are the ones announcing your bundle of joy next.


  2. A Morning Grouch
    April 30, 2012 at 12:15 pm #

    ugh, those damn announcments! No matter how many you hear and how much you try to prepare for them, it’s always a punch in the gut. Really. Glad your week has been on the up and up (the chicken limo had to have helped a lot, too!). I can’t remember if I already mentioned Clomid and Cabernet – new support site for infertility and they are looking for people to share their stories – you should absolutely share with her! You can find her on fb.


  3. Shelley
    April 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    I’m so glad to hear you’re on the mend and that your trip went well, minus that yucky bout of sickness. I so hear you on the Stage 5 Clinger thing. I get like that when I’m really down about IF. Some nights I make DH come to bed early with me, even if he’s just going to be watching Netflix or on his laptop in bed next to me, I just need him to be near.


  4. akismet-85fd13bbe48421f209c93d1f8f703c79
    April 30, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

    Those announcements are brutal. Yes, you’re happy for them…but how many can you take? It’s just hard. Even when you’ve been in it forever. And the chemical pregnancy? Heartbreak.


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