Day: April 30, 2012



Bottomed Out

April 30th, 2012.  CD7.

I’m baaaaaa-aaaaaack!  🙂

Well, more accurately, I was back Saturday night… but today I am back to real life.

Speaking of life…

Real life can really suck sometimes.  You know?

Life’s not always fair.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes good people are left hanging for a long time waiting for something that never happens.

There’s been a recent development at home.

We were recently presented with news of an impending bundle of joy, and it came from very close to us.  I’m not sure why, but this announcement was the hardest to hear.

That is not to say that we aren’t happy about it.  We are happy!  Ecstatic, even!

It just stings.  And sometimes it’s hard to smile through the pain.

The news was presented to the husband first, who spared me the ambush.  He was more upset than I was, mainly because he has finally reached the point I’ve been at for a long time.

The “When is it going to be OUR turn??” point.

The point of jealousy and bitterness and guilt over jealousy and bitterness.

Him reaching that point really hurt me, even more so than the news itself.

It hurt so much that I have yet to call and congratulate the expectant parents.  I’m afraid of not reacting in a way that will convey that I am truly happy that they are getting what they want.

Getting what I want.

I’m afraid that my own selfish feelings on the subject will bubble to the surface.  I don’t want to spoil anyone’s good news EVER, and that’s why I’ve thus far avoided the conversation.

I’ll get there.  Eventually.

Anyway, aside from that somewhat traumatic event, let me update you on other recent developments.

Cycle Day 1 was fantastic.  Nothing like getting news of a chemical pregnancy to rub salt in the wound created by other people’s impressive fertility.

Cycle Day 2 was even better.  I got up at 5am to get ready for my trip to Indy, and quickly realized how completely shitty I felt.  I mean, it’s Aunt Flo.  The bitch is in the house, time to get on with the day.  What I was not expecting however, was to start vomiting like the possessed as soon as I got into the car with my poor coworker.

A four hour trip took us about six, and I think my entire digestive system was trying to evacuate my body in whatever way it could.  That was good times.

The view of downtown Indianapolis from my amazing hotel room went a long way to make me feel better. As did the room service.

Cycle Day 3 brought the start of the Indianapolis conference whirlwind, as well as the start of the next round of mystery meds.  The day was crazy and long, but I met a lot of great people and learned a ton.  No puking today!  Woo, progress!

Cycle Day 4 brought even more chaos, but by this point I was starting to have fun with it.  I felt human again on this day, and was able to really enjoy myself and engage people.  Also, wearing makeup and doing my hair helped.

Cycle Day 5 took us to an early morning conference floor wrap-up, followed by packing up our booth, checking out of the hotel, and driving home.  The drive home took considerably less time, since I was not barfing up Midol and Mountain Dew.

Oh yeah. And this happened.

When I got home, it was like the best thing that’s ever happened.  I had missed my bed, my shower, my cats, notsomuch the dog, and my husband, terribly.

I missed him a lot.

Like, a LOT-lot.  To the point that I was a Stage Five Clinger when I got home.

And for most of the day yesterday, too.

The past week has been full of ups and downs, and more than once I felt like I was hitting the lowest point I’ve been to yet.  I managed to rebound, somehow, through the grace of God and the support of others.

And I guess that’s all that really matters.

It’s not how many times you fall down, but the fact that you get back up each time.

Well, I’m up.  And I’m staying here.

At least until the next Beta Day…

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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.