April 24th, 2012. CD1.
I wasn’t planning to write this. At least not until I returned from my trip…
I’ve come to really rely on the support of others throughout this journey, and I really needed the catharsis of blogging more than usual this month.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and this year’s theme is “Don’t Ignore Infertility“.
Not that I’ve had the opportunity to ignore infertility this week… Nothing like a negative blood pregnancy test to make you painfully aware of your infertility.
Our beta was negative.
Or, more accurately, it was technically negative.
Let me ‘splain.
Although I hadn’t mentioned it here, I’ve seen a couple of faint second lines on some early home pregnancy tests in the past couple of days. I am usually very cautious about believing them, but I was overly-cautiously optimistic this time.
I started spotting on Saturday morning. Just for a half hour or so. Then nothing… Until Sunday afternoon. More spotting. Nothing on Monday, and a negative HPT this morning…
I started to bleed this morning while getting ready to head to the clinic for the beta.
By the time I arrived, I was in full flow. The doctor took my blood for the pregnancy test, and then sent me back for a Cycle Day 1 ultrasound. The nurses who performed the ultrasound were concerned that I might actually be pregnant…
When the doctor called me later to confirm the results of the blood test, she said that they had all come to the agreement that this must have been a chemical pregnancy. My HCG levels were low, and technically negative, but everything else pointed to pregnancy.
A chemical pregnancy is a fertilized egg that fails to implant. Technically not a miscarriage, but close enough.
The good news is that the eggs and sperm appear to be getting along, they just didn’t move in together at the right time. Perhaps next month they’ll get it right.
I’ll start back up on the same protocol on Thursday, and expect another IUI in early May.
This is where the whole “Don’t Ignore… Support.” thing comes in.
I need you. My friends, my family, complete caring strangers who take the time to come here and read about our many struggles and few triumphs. People who send up prayers and offer words of encouragement. Fellow humans who take time out of their busy days to think about little ol’ me and my busted uterus.
I’m not the only one who needs you, however. One in eight people in the US are currently going through what I’m going through – or worse. Which one of your coworkers is it? How many of your 300 Facebook friends are suffering in silence? Who in your family is quietly struggling this personal battle?
Thank you all for not ignoring infertility. Thank you for not overlooking or avoiding what is an invisible, but heartbreaking illness. Thank you all for understanding that it hurts in so many ways. Thank you all for your support, love, and hope.
Just… Thank you.
Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. One in eight people in this country is currently walking through hell and back to become a parent. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself, millions are fighting through this difficult fate day in and day out.
Please don’t ignore infertility.
Please support the one in eight.
Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... 
Boo for your chemical pregnancy! So sorry to hear this. ***HUGS***
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I’m sorry. I had a chemical pregnancy in September. It’s not near as bad as a miscarriage and there are positives like you said “the egg met the sperm” but it’s still really hard to be that close. Wishing you the best!
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ah crap. Well, at least the progress is moving in the right direction. Hugs to you hun!
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Ugh, I am so sorry to read this. Thinking of you.
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😦 Well, glad the egg and sperm are getting along….but let’s hope they have a longer lasting relationship next cycle! A new great support site – “Clomid And Cabernet” – it’s new – just found it – worth checking out.
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oh good grief! technology. bah. sorry.
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LOL, I fixed it. 😉
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Oh I’m so sorry to hear this today. I actually checked in earlier to see if you posted anything. I got a negative today too. I guess if you can see any good in this, you are right, your body knows how to make the egg and sperm get together, and next month they will meet again and settle in for the long haul. Let’s hope May is our month 🙂
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You know I’m here. Anytime. Xoxoxo. Love u.
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I’m so sorry Tracy. We just experienced practically the exact same thing in February. It’s so hard, I definitely feel your pain. Take care of yourself and let me know if I can do anything.
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I really shouldn’t be commenting here but I wanted to give you my support and let you know I’ve been following you and rooting for you the better part of a year. Whenever people congratulate me on my pregnancy I let them know how long it took just in case the person I’m talking to is dealing with infertility. I hate people who brag about getting pregnant “right away” and try my best for an open and honest dialogue.
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I’m so sorry. That just sucks. IF sucks. Sending peace and light.
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Tracy, I am so sorry to hear about the negative. But, I am happy to hear that lil spermies and eggies like eachother 🙂 The month before concieving Thomas, the same thing happened, where I had a faint positive line and then the next day, that annoying bitch of an auntie showed up. After having our first miscarriage, it was difficult getting our hopes up and for them to fall again, however…that being said, the spermies and eggies are slowly getting the point! They just need to stop dancing and lay down on that beautiful lining of a uterus you have! 🙂 Keeping you in prayer still and staying positive! ~Love~ to you both!
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I’m sorry about the BFN and chemical pregnancy. 😦 I had high hopes for you this cycle! What are we going to do Tracy?? We’ve been at this too long.
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I’m so sorry. It’s bad enough to get a negative but then to realize that it’s a cemical…salt in the wound, really. Sending you hugs and support. I know it’s hard to move on but getting back on the horse as quickly as you are is probably a good thing. I’m hoping that the wonderful month of May brings you much happiness.
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So sorry to hear about this. Here’s hoping next cycle the egg and sperm will cuddle up closer together. *Hugs*
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I’m so sorry to hear this. Hope you are taking time to be kind to yourself, and to feel supported here.
You’re so right … there are likely so many others suffering in silence.
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well, the fact that the sperm and the eggs at least get along is good news, tight?
trying to be positive here…
sorry to hear it didn’t happen this time – glad to see you staying positive – it will happen!
hugs.
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