Month: April 2012



Bottomed Out

April 30th, 2012.  CD7.

I’m baaaaaa-aaaaaack!  🙂

Well, more accurately, I was back Saturday night… but today I am back to real life.

Speaking of life…

Real life can really suck sometimes.  You know?

Life’s not always fair.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes good people are left hanging for a long time waiting for something that never happens.

There’s been a recent development at home.

We were recently presented with news of an impending bundle of joy, and it came from very close to us.  I’m not sure why, but this announcement was the hardest to hear.

That is not to say that we aren’t happy about it.  We are happy!  Ecstatic, even!

It just stings.  And sometimes it’s hard to smile through the pain.

The news was presented to the husband first, who spared me the ambush.  He was more upset than I was, mainly because he has finally reached the point I’ve been at for a long time.

The “When is it going to be OUR turn??” point.

The point of jealousy and bitterness and guilt over jealousy and bitterness.

Him reaching that point really hurt me, even more so than the news itself.

It hurt so much that I have yet to call and congratulate the expectant parents.  I’m afraid of not reacting in a way that will convey that I am truly happy that they are getting what they want.

Getting what I want.

I’m afraid that my own selfish feelings on the subject will bubble to the surface.  I don’t want to spoil anyone’s good news EVER, and that’s why I’ve thus far avoided the conversation.

I’ll get there.  Eventually.

Anyway, aside from that somewhat traumatic event, let me update you on other recent developments.

Cycle Day 1 was fantastic.  Nothing like getting news of a chemical pregnancy to rub salt in the wound created by other people’s impressive fertility.

Cycle Day 2 was even better.  I got up at 5am to get ready for my trip to Indy, and quickly realized how completely shitty I felt.  I mean, it’s Aunt Flo.  The bitch is in the house, time to get on with the day.  What I was not expecting however, was to start vomiting like the possessed as soon as I got into the car with my poor coworker.

A four hour trip took us about six, and I think my entire digestive system was trying to evacuate my body in whatever way it could.  That was good times.

The view of downtown Indianapolis from my amazing hotel room went a long way to make me feel better. As did the room service.

Cycle Day 3 brought the start of the Indianapolis conference whirlwind, as well as the start of the next round of mystery meds.  The day was crazy and long, but I met a lot of great people and learned a ton.  No puking today!  Woo, progress!

Cycle Day 4 brought even more chaos, but by this point I was starting to have fun with it.  I felt human again on this day, and was able to really enjoy myself and engage people.  Also, wearing makeup and doing my hair helped.

Cycle Day 5 took us to an early morning conference floor wrap-up, followed by packing up our booth, checking out of the hotel, and driving home.  The drive home took considerably less time, since I was not barfing up Midol and Mountain Dew.

Oh yeah. And this happened.

When I got home, it was like the best thing that’s ever happened.  I had missed my bed, my shower, my cats, notsomuch the dog, and my husband, terribly.

I missed him a lot.

Like, a LOT-lot.  To the point that I was a Stage Five Clinger when I got home.

And for most of the day yesterday, too.

The past week has been full of ups and downs, and more than once I felt like I was hitting the lowest point I’ve been to yet.  I managed to rebound, somehow, through the grace of God and the support of others.

And I guess that’s all that really matters.

It’s not how many times you fall down, but the fact that you get back up each time.

Well, I’m up.  And I’m staying here.

At least until the next Beta Day…


Don’t Ignore… Support.

April 24th, 2012.  CD1.

I wasn’t planning to write this.  At least not until I returned from my trip…

I’ve come to really rely on the support of others throughout this journey, and I really needed the catharsis of blogging more than usual this month.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and this year’s theme is “Don’t Ignore Infertility“.

Not that I’ve had the opportunity to ignore infertility this week… Nothing like a negative blood pregnancy test to make you painfully aware of your infertility.

Our beta was negative.

Or, more accurately, it was technically negative.

Let me ‘splain.

Although I hadn’t mentioned it here, I’ve seen a couple of faint second lines on some early home pregnancy tests in the past couple of days.  I am usually very cautious about believing them, but I was overly-cautiously optimistic this time.

I started spotting on Saturday morning.  Just for a half hour or so.  Then nothing… Until Sunday afternoon.  More spotting.  Nothing on Monday, and a negative HPT this morning…

I started to bleed this morning while getting ready to head to the clinic for the beta.

By the time I arrived, I was in full flow.  The doctor took my blood for the pregnancy test, and then sent me back for a Cycle Day 1 ultrasound.  The nurses who performed the ultrasound were concerned that I might actually be pregnant…

When the doctor called me later to confirm the results of the blood test, she said that they had all come to the agreement that this must have been a chemical pregnancy.  My HCG levels were low, and technically negative, but everything else pointed to pregnancy.

A chemical pregnancy is a fertilized egg that fails to implant.  Technically not a miscarriage, but close enough.

The good news is that the eggs and sperm appear to be getting along, they just didn’t move in together at the right time.  Perhaps next month they’ll get it right.

I’ll start back up on the same protocol on Thursday, and expect another IUI in early May.

This is where the whole “Don’t Ignore… Support.” thing comes in.

I need you.  My friends, my family, complete caring strangers who take the time to come here and read about our many struggles and few triumphs.  People who send up prayers and offer words of encouragement.  Fellow humans who take time out of their busy days to think about little ol’ me and my busted uterus.

I’m not the only one who needs you, however.  One in eight people in the US are currently going through what I’m going through – or worse.  Which one of your coworkers is it?  How many of your 300 Facebook friends are suffering in silence?  Who in your family is quietly struggling this personal battle?

Thank you all for not ignoring infertility.  Thank you for not overlooking or avoiding what is an invisible, but heartbreaking illness.  Thank you all for understanding that it hurts in so many ways.  Thank you all for your support, love, and hope.

Just… Thank you.


Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience.  One in eight people in this country is currently walking through hell and back to become a parent.  Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself, millions are fighting through this difficult fate day in and day out.

Please don’t ignore infertility. 

Please support the one in eight.




Radio Silence.

April 23rd, 2012.  CD28, 13DPIUI.

Okay, kids.

Tomorrow is beta day.

This cycle has been rough on the husband and me, and for that reason, along with the fact that I’m going to be out of town for half the week, I’m implementing some radio silence for a few days.

I know it’s mean not to let you know the beta results right away, and who knows?  I may change my mind about it and blow up the internet with rants or raves.

Right now though, for us, this seems to be the best way.

I can tell you that I am feeling like a steaming pile of crap, so that’s awesome.

Also, my recently acquired double-d’s…?  Well, let’s just say that my cup runneth over.

I have lots of symptoms for the obsessing… and lots of reasons to guard my heart.

Like the awesomely crappy temperature dip that happened this morning… Ugh.

All of these reasons, and the fact that we are just plain having a rough time lately, are enough for me to take a short break from broadcasting my baby-making business.

The beta is scheduled for tomorrow morning, and I will be leaving on Wednesday for a conference in Indianapolis.  If all goes as planned, I’ll be home Saturday night, and hopefully will feel up to updating everyone then.

Until then, friends… Thank you for understanding.  🙂


Inter-Office Eat Your Feelings Day!

Yesterday was National High Five Day, so why can’t today be National Eat Your Feelings Day?

It is… In this office, at least.

Here’s proof.

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Up and Down

April 20th, 2012.  CD25, 10DPIUI. The good news is that the trigger is finally OUT! Woo!   The bad news is that now I’m panicking because there are no lines to speculate about. Ugh.   And my temp has been on a steady decline the past couple of days… Double Ugh.   I guess there

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Do you pin?

I pin.

A lot.

Pinterest is like window shopping for… pretty much everything.

Here is a small collection of relevant pins:


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For further snark, recipes that look amazing, and DIY projects I covet but will never actually complete, see my Pinterest page.  🙂



Seriously.  I don’t know if it’s because I have increased progesterone levels this month, or because I’m just so busy with work/life/what-life?-all-I-do-is-work!, but I can barely stay awake today.

Oh, and focusing on a task long enough to complete it?  Fuhgeddabouttit.

All this, and my workplace had the second week of Office Olympics today, in which we completed a photo scavenger hunt all over downtown Toledo.  In heels.

My poor thighs are going to be crying about that for days.

Oh.  And neither my Pandora nor my Spotify will work, so I can’t even listen to music at my desk to perk me up.



At least there’s my old friend Mountain Dew.

I’m sure that’s great for baby, lol.





Testing Out the Trigger

Don’t judge me.


So High Right Now

April 17th, 2012.  CD22, 7DPIUI.

I know, I know.

This post title would have been better suited to a 4/20 post.

But I needed to accurately convey how excited I am about my uterine lining and progesterone numbers from today!

My lining last cycle was an 18, with which the study docs were impressed…

This month it was a 20!  The ultrasound tech literally said “Holy crap.  That’s the thickest lining I’ve seen yet!”

I just got the call with my progesterone numbers, too.  To recap, last cycle was 14.6.

This cycle?


I know, I know, it can mean NOTHING.

But it’s so encouraging, I’m going to pretend it means SOMETHING.

Don’t poop on my parade, people.

This day rules.  🙂

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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.