Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen...

February 28th, 2012.  CD20, 6DPIUI.

Well… I’m hanging in there.

But I’m having trouble concentrating on anything but my reproductive system.  This is a problem… Especially at work.

The general consensus around my office is that I am, in fact pregnant (even though no one could know that yet), and that I will be having twin girls.

It’s preposterous, I know.  But I kind of love it.  I just want it so badly.  Not even the twin thing, while that would be splendid, but the pregnant thing.

I want it.

I want this IUI to be the magical fix-it my busted uterus needs.  I pray daily (and nightly)(and a lot in the shower) that this will work.

I really want to start buying pregnancy tests… but so far, I have restrained myself.  I don’t even venture down the feminine product aisle at the grocery store unless I have to, and I avoid trips to the pharmacy if at all possible.

Tomorrow is my progesterone draw, along with an ultrasound, I assume to verify that I am not developing cysts from the medication.  I have this fear that they will tell me that no ovulation took place, and that this cycle is a bust.

You see?  I am fantasizing about great outcomes AND bad ones.  I am clinging to every little thing my body is doing, trying to make each tiny thing into an early pregnancy symptom.

Heartburn?  Pregnant!  (No, I’m sure it’s not because I ate an entire pineapple in five days…)

Sore boobs?  Pregnant!!  (Well, I guess it could be normal, but what fun is that?)

Tired?  PREGNANT!!!  (This is absolutely not because I stay up far too late at night searching the interwebs for pregnancy symptoms like mine…)

And so, you see – I am crazy.

I’m sure the progesterone supplement doesn’t help with the crazy, but I’m hoping that I will find tomorrow that it’s helping with my body’s ability to support the pregnancy I hope is in the process of formulating right now.

We shall see…

Wednesday, February 22, 2012.  CD14.

Well… I just feel odd.  Sitting here at my desk, at work, thinking about what is (hopefully) going on in my uterus right now.

It’s also odd knowing there’s nothing I can do but wait.

And eat pineapple.  I’m eating a whole pineapple, core and all, this week.  It’s supposed to aid in implantation… and probably heartburn, too.

Anyway, things went well this morning.  The husband made his “deposit”, which Dr. Amanda told me had all the numbers they were looking for.

It was a very surreal experience when the nurse walked in, handed me a vial, and asked me to read her the names on it to make sure I was getting inseminated with the right sperm.  LOL.

My cervix is sort of off to the side (and I have a retroverted uterus), so that made things a wee bit difficult when attempting to get the catheter into my cervix, but it all worked out in the end.

I laid down, got inseminated, hung out reading my book for 20 minutes, and then got dressed and left.  Not so romantic, as baby-making goes, but hopefully it will be successful.

I am spotting a bit, and it may be in my head, but I feel some… fullness, maybe?  …In the uteran region.

From here, all I can do is wait.  I have an appointment for progesterone testing and a follow-up ultrasound next Wednesday, and then my beta will the following Wednesday.

Oh, one other thing… Have I mentioned that I’m superstitious?

I kinda am.

I have received gifts over the years from friends and family and coworkers to help me along this journey.  These gifts include three bracelets, earrings, a Catholic saint medallion, and a bottle of pink champagne affectionately known as “Juju Juice”.

Today?  I wore ALL of it.  Well, not the champagne.  But I have some in the fridge still, and I might take a teensy sip of it tonight just for good measure.

Anything that can help, I will do.  And what can all of that hurt?

Also, today is 2/22/12.  I feel like this is lucky… I don’t know why, but I do.  My mom conceived me when she was 22, and my brother’s number in all of his sports endeavors in high school was always 22.  Today is also the birth date of the person mentioned above who gifted me the Catholic saint medallion.

Oh!  And yesterday, my blog had 222 views!!

Oh, and I saw a hawk!

I don’t know if that’s good luck, but a hawk landed on my patio (in the suburbs – not so common!), the day before this cycle started, and it was in the tree outside our window the next day too.

This morning, while I was leaving the apartment to head to my appointment, I saw that hawk again!  It was in a big tree, and I swear it was watching me.

I hope it’s a good luck hawk, and not a bad omen hawk.

I know this is all ridiculous, but it’s something I can hold onto until Beta Day.  Things that give me tiny spurts of hope when doubt starts to creep in.

I will take what I can get these days!