Shit, Meet Fan: A Study on Giving Thanks When You’d Rather Just Swear Profusely.

November 21st, 2011.  CD26, 11DPO.

The stray neighborhood cats can somehow hear the echo of my empty uterus.  They appear on our porch day and night.  Big ones, small ones, teensy little kittens… They can all sense that I’m just about one more failed TTC cycle away from becoming the Queen of the Cat Ladies.  I hope TLC does a Hoarders episode about me so I can go batshit crazy on television and finally live out a lifelong dream.

Seriously though… Having all of these cute, furry (and sometimes mean) outdoor pets is at least giving me a bit of a distraction from what is probably not happening in my babymaker right now.  So even if I do get rabies, at least there’s that.

Tomorrow is yet another beta.  I feel like this is all I’ve done for Y E A R S.  Sometimes I don’t even know how I managed to get us moved to a new city, or find a new job, or become somewhat adept at said job with all of this going on.  Sometimes I don’t even remember what it’s like to not have to take pills, and give myself shots, and pee on things, and have bloodwork every month.

I’m tired.

That’s precisely the reason the next cycle is going to be a “no-meds cycle”.  I say “no-meds cycle” because I can’t say “relaxation cycle”… I’m just trying to be honest here, people.

Regardless of the results of tomorrow’s blood test, I’ll be spending the next month drug free and attempting to live a normal life.  We’ll see how that goes…

Speaking of tomorrow’s results, I am not optimistic.  This cycle was a Femara cycle, but nothing else.  I have all but given up hope that pills will make me magically conceive, and earlier today, for a span of about ten minutes, I was spotting.  Just a little bit of brownish discoloration, really, but I’m feeling less and less hopeful as the day goes on.

I mean, this is 11DPO… It couldn’t be implantation spotting, right?  I don’t typically spot before Aunt Flo arrives, and the Prometrium has been lengthening my luteal phase, so it seems earlier for her arrival anyway, but I suppose I’ve forced so many hormones onto my system in the past six months that my body could just be screaming for a break.

Enough of the pity party!  The past week has been eventful and inspirational and has made me count my blessings more than once.

  • Hitting a crater-sized pothole in the pouring rain and blowing out not one, but TWO tires = thankful that the husband knows how to change a tire.  And is willing to do so in the rain.  And has not divorced me for significantly lowering the value of our vehicles on a regular basis.

Oh, didn't I mention that I'm married to George Clooney?

  • Getting a call from someone close to us letting us know some special news that could potentially make me spiral into a pint-of-ice-cream-an-hour depression = realizing what a blessing this truly is.
  • Finding out my hours at work are being temporarily scaled back because of the slower holiday recruitment business = finding more time at home to cook.  And blog.  (I know  you missed me.  Don’t try to pretend you didn’t.)
  • Realizing that my 31st (UUUUUGH!!!) birthday is literally right around the corner = remembering that Red Robin is going to send me a coupon for a free burger soon.  And that the Gingerbread Milkshakes are officially back in season.  (If you’ve never had one, drop whatever you’re doing and GO!  You’ll thank me later.)
  • Spending time at a benefit for a couple of  young friends of ours who recently lost their infant daughter = realization that loss is devastating, but having people who care about you is an amazing healing power.
  • Feeling sorry for my infertile self = receiving a pile of fertility books from a good friend who recently had a  hysterectomy to avoid her endometrial cancer spreading = mad perspective, yo.
  • Feeling helpless at the thought of multiple chiropractic adjustments per week to make up for the problems I didn’t know I had = coming home to find this gift from my dear Ultrasound Tech friend in my mailbox:

( “she wanted the rainbow so she put up with the rain”)

This entire week seems to have been tailor-made to make me eat my words and appreciate what I have in life.  And I do.  Truly.  More than I could ever express…

In closing, I just want to say one more word on being appreciative:  I am thankful that I am due for a visit from Aunt Flo on the biggest eat-your-feelings-and-pie day of the year.

Always be sure to count your blessings, but just this once, take Thursday off from counting calories.

9 comments on “Shit, Meet Fan: A Study on Giving Thanks When You’d Rather Just Swear Profusely.

  1. The Cornfed Feminist
    November 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    I love that bracelet! Do you know where she got it?


    • Tracy
      November 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

      Oh damn, I meant to link to the Etsy shop!! Try clicking on the quote from the bracelet, and it should take you to the site. Sadly, I think there was only one, but I know a lot of sellers can take requests. 🙂


  2. Brienne Godfrey
    November 21, 2011 at 5:41 pm #

    Beautifully written!


  3. Poodle
    November 21, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

    Oh the news of someone else falling pregnant! I’ve been on this merry go round with no success for over 18months and I swear every person I know has either fallen pregnant or had a baby by now. It seems I am some sort of fertility god for everyone else just not myself.

    There is nothing like other peoples problems to put your issues into perspective, but it doesn’t mean yours are insignificant either.

    Ah the spotting before Aunt Flow, doesn’t it just send you more crazy than you already are and the hope of the mythical implantation bleed…… surely it’s just something someone came up with to tighten that crazy screw !


  4. B
    November 22, 2011 at 1:41 am #

    We opted for a drug-free November as AF would have been due to arrive during our trip to Mexico. The last thing I want to deal with on vacation is a failed cycle. How’s that for optimism?? I hope that you are able to get some relief next month. Actually, I hope that you don’t need a month off because you’ll be pregnant this month.


  5. nicole
    November 22, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    What a beautiful bracelet!


  6. Ashley Sue
    November 30, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

    What a great, beautiful post! Seriously, doll, I feel like in one post, I know you, had a long cup of tea with you, laughed until I cried, and found someone who gets so much of what’s in my heart now, too. Hugs and love to you, and may this next cycle be the one!



  1. Giving thanks for what I do have | But Why Me? - November 23, 2011

    […] And just the other day I was reminded by a fellow blogger and fertility friend about “…Giving Thanks When You’d Rather Just Swear Profusely.” […]


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