Day: November 21, 2011

Shit, Meet Fan: A Study on Giving Thanks When You’d Rather Just Swear Profusely.

November 21st, 2011.  CD26, 11DPO.

The stray neighborhood cats can somehow hear the echo of my empty uterus.  They appear on our porch day and night.  Big ones, small ones, teensy little kittens… They can all sense that I’m just about one more failed TTC cycle away from becoming the Queen of the Cat Ladies.  I hope TLC does a Hoarders episode about me so I can go batshit crazy on television and finally live out a lifelong dream.

Seriously though… Having all of these cute, furry (and sometimes mean) outdoor pets is at least giving me a bit of a distraction from what is probably not happening in my babymaker right now.  So even if I do get rabies, at least there’s that.

Tomorrow is yet another beta.  I feel like this is all I’ve done for Y E A R S.  Sometimes I don’t even know how I managed to get us moved to a new city, or find a new job, or become somewhat adept at said job with all of this going on.  Sometimes I don’t even remember what it’s like to not have to take pills, and give myself shots, and pee on things, and have bloodwork every month.

I’m tired.

That’s precisely the reason the next cycle is going to be a “no-meds cycle”.  I say “no-meds cycle” because I can’t say “relaxation cycle”… I’m just trying to be honest here, people.

Regardless of the results of tomorrow’s blood test, I’ll be spending the next month drug free and attempting to live a normal life.  We’ll see how that goes…

Speaking of tomorrow’s results, I am not optimistic.  This cycle was a Femara cycle, but nothing else.  I have all but given up hope that pills will make me magically conceive, and earlier today, for a span of about ten minutes, I was spotting.  Just a little bit of brownish discoloration, really, but I’m feeling less and less hopeful as the day goes on.

I mean, this is 11DPO… It couldn’t be implantation spotting, right?  I don’t typically spot before Aunt Flo arrives, and the Prometrium has been lengthening my luteal phase, so it seems earlier for her arrival anyway, but I suppose I’ve forced so many hormones onto my system in the past six months that my body could just be screaming for a break.

Enough of the pity party!  The past week has been eventful and inspirational and has made me count my blessings more than once.

  • Hitting a crater-sized pothole in the pouring rain and blowing out not one, but TWO tires = thankful that the husband knows how to change a tire.  And is willing to do so in the rain.  And has not divorced me for significantly lowering the value of our vehicles on a regular basis.

Oh, didn't I mention that I'm married to George Clooney?

  • Getting a call from someone close to us letting us know some special news that could potentially make me spiral into a pint-of-ice-cream-an-hour depression = realizing what a blessing this truly is.
  • Finding out my hours at work are being temporarily scaled back because of the slower holiday recruitment business = finding more time at home to cook.  And blog.  (I know  you missed me.  Don’t try to pretend you didn’t.)
  • Realizing that my 31st (UUUUUGH!!!) birthday is literally right around the corner = remembering that Red Robin is going to send me a coupon for a free burger soon.  And that the Gingerbread Milkshakes are officially back in season.  (If you’ve never had one, drop whatever you’re doing and GO!  You’ll thank me later.)
  • Spending time at a benefit for a couple of  young friends of ours who recently lost their infant daughter = realization that loss is devastating, but having people who care about you is an amazing healing power.
  • Feeling sorry for my infertile self = receiving a pile of fertility books from a good friend who recently had a  hysterectomy to avoid her endometrial cancer spreading = mad perspective, yo.
  • Feeling helpless at the thought of multiple chiropractic adjustments per week to make up for the problems I didn’t know I had = coming home to find this gift from my dear Ultrasound Tech friend in my mailbox:

( “she wanted the rainbow so she put up with the rain”)

This entire week seems to have been tailor-made to make me eat my words and appreciate what I have in life.  And I do.  Truly.  More than I could ever express…

In closing, I just want to say one more word on being appreciative:  I am thankful that I am due for a visit from Aunt Flo on the biggest eat-your-feelings-and-pie day of the year.

Always be sure to count your blessings, but just this once, take Thursday off from counting calories.

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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.