Month: November 2011

Countdown To Adulthood… Maybe.

So, today is the last day of November.

That means that tomorrow is December 1st.

Which means that the day after that is my 29th (*cough*THIRTY-FIRST*cough*) birthday.



I honestly never thought I’d reach this age without having children.  I always figured I’d be done having kids completely by the time I was twenty-five… You know, after I’d Doogie-Howser-ed my way through veterinary school and cured cat cancer.

Ever heard that saying “Men make plans and God laughs“?  …God has a sick sense of humor.

There are a lot of things that high-school-freshman-Tracy thought she would have done by age thirty-one.  Things that have not yet happened.  Like graduating from college.  Or buying a house.  Or knowing what I want to be when I grow up.

Actually, sixteen-year-old-Tracy probably thought that thirty-one-year-old-Tracy would be a grown-up, but here’s the funny thing:  I have a hard time seeing people without children as “real” adults.

I work with a man who is married and has two little girls.  He is in my age range, but I always assumed he was older than I am… Not because he looked it or anything… I just assumed.  I recently discovered that I have a good four years on him.  I am technically more of an adult than he is because of my age, but I feel like he is a more mature individual because he has a family.

Let me clarify.  I believe that the twenty-seven-year-old HR rep with two kids that sits across from me is more mature than this thirty-one-year-old infertile cat lady.  Today, he only spoke to me in quotes from the Will Ferrell classic, Anchorman, and yesterday when I mentioned cooking a meal in a Dutch oven, he giggled for ten minutes. 

This is what I consider to be mature, only because he can reproduce?

I guess that’s how life works sometimes… I will officially enter my thirties no more of an adult than I was when I was sixteen.

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried so hard not to get knocked up back then.  Hee.


Anyway, enough of this talk of maturity.  Let me tell you about my phlegm.

The past week has been a whirlwind.  Thanksgiving was great – lots of great food and company, and I drank an entire bottle of wine.  Black Friday was nice too – the husband and I did some housekeeping, went to breakfast, and bought our first real Christmas tree together.  Then we went to see a giant lights display at the Toledo Zoo, and I somehow acquired a Sister Wife.

The next day we went to a football party at our friends’ house, where we watched sports in the yard on a big screen TV in front of a bonfire.  That’s what you call a perfect little autumn day, right there.

We also drank.  A lot.  Somewhere in there, I caught a cold.  Probably from inventing drinks made with peanut butter vodka and something called Adult Chocolate milk, and sharing them with no less than six other people.

Sixteen-year-old-Tracy knew from experience that Thanksgiving meant cold season was in full swing, and that spending her birthday sick was just part of an annual tradition.  She also probably thought that by the time we reached full maturity at thirty-one, we would have figured out how to avoid said annual tradition.

Yet another thing the teenage me had wrong… I’ve got some kind of sinus-y, sore-throat-y, mucus-y plague.  Oh, and the cough has just begun.  Hooray… Bring on the birthday cake.  And Robitussin.  For cold symptoms this time, not for thinning out my cervical mucus.

On the upside, I’ve almost completed my initial chiropractic treatment regimen, and have responded so well to the adjustments and physical therapy, that Dr. Bonecruncher is going to let me scale back my treatments to twice a month rather than twice a week.  If I keep making this type of progress, I will probably only need once per month adjustments starting in January.

I’ve also talked to her about the acupuncture her office offers… She mentioned to me that it might be something great to try, and also mentioned looking into acupressure, which her office does not perform.  Do any of you faithful followers know anything about acupressure for fertility?

Oh, and at the risk of taking on yet another half-hearted attempt at improving my fertility, I’ve recently been considering going gluten-free.  I haven’t been tested for celiac disease, mostly because I know my insurance won’t cover a dime of it, but I’m looking into it.  It would be a huge sacrifice, but I think I could do it.


And who knows?  Maybe cutting wheat out of my life altogether will improve my skin, which occasionally decides to freak out and act like sixteen-year-old-Tracy is trying to escape through my very pores.  Ugh.  That is the one thing I though I would enjoy about being thirty-one, but alas, I am infertile like an old woman and have zits like a young one.

Can’t we all just get along??



Thanking God For Unanswered Prayers

Soooo…  Who wants the news?





Yep.  The beta was negative.

Not that I’m surprised or anything.

I knew.

I peed on a stick this morning to prepare myself.

I also ate four mini Almond Joy’s for lunch, so I kinda suspected something was up…  And yesterday I ate half a bag of Chips Ahoy and six strips of leftover bacon.

(My mom keeps telling me my diet is going to catch up with me when I hit my thirties.  I am thirty now, which means I’m in my thir-ty.  When I turn thirty-one in a week and a half, then I’ll officially be in my thir-ties.

So I’ve got a few days.  Bring on the bacon, bitches!!)

I was disappointed, as per usual, to hear the results, but in a way it was a relief.

I’m okay with this.

It’s time to move on to a new year, and a new approach.

Anyway, speaking of looking on the bright side of things – I can officially have some Thanksgiving wine!

Other things that are nice to look forward to since I won’t be medicated this holiday season:

  • Night-before-Thanksgiving cocktails with friends
  • Wine with Thanksgiving dinner
  • Post-Thanksgiving-dinner cocktails with the in-laws
  • Thanksgiving-night spiked cider and putting up Christmas decorations
  • Punkin Chunkin
  • Black(out) Friday
  • Seeing the Lights Before Christmas at the Toledo Zoo with friends (I’ve got to remember to get a flask to fit in my boot…)
  • Michigan-Ohio State party!
  • Open bar at the office Christmas party, which also happens to be on my birthday
  • Friends-Thanksgiving, complete with adult beverages and carbs
  • Birthday dinner out with the Livonia crew – and drinks, of course
  • Nephews’ birthday party (there probably won’t be drinks here… gotta remember to pack that flask again.)
  • Christmas Eve with my family in Michigan (I’ll stay sober for this one… It’s a long drive home.)
  • Christmas dinner (and wine) with the in-laws
  • Having the day after Christmas (Happy Boxing Day to my Canadian friends!) to recover from Christmas
  • Having a glass, or two (or a bottle or two) of champagne on New Year’s Eve
  • Spending New Year’s Day sleeping in and relaxing with the husband

And my favorite thing about spending the next month under the influence of anything but hormones:

  • Looking forward into 2012 with bravery and hope, and with my love by my side.

And I plan to keep him by my side, because one of my New Year’s resolutions is going to be taking the Robot out of Robot Sex and spicing things up a bit.  I may have tumbleweeds in my uterus, but one nice side effect is that I still have a pretty fantastic torso, and I might as well show it off a bit.

You’re welcome, honey.

Also, thank you to my friends and family (and complete strangers!) out there who have spent this entire year (and the year before that… and the year before that…) supporting us and rooting us on and picking us up when we’re losing hope.

It’s nice to have you to lean on, but for us, it’s time for a month or two away from the baby race.

Perhaps taking a step back will bring us a step closer to each other, and maybe even a step closer to understanding what our next step should be.

Hopefully 2012 won’t see me in rehab recovering from 2011…

It’s gonna be a sloppy Christmas, Charlie Brown!


Shit, Meet Fan: A Study on Giving Thanks When You’d Rather Just Swear Profusely.

November 21st, 2011.  CD26, 11DPO.

The stray neighborhood cats can somehow hear the echo of my empty uterus.  They appear on our porch day and night.  Big ones, small ones, teensy little kittens… They can all sense that I’m just about one more failed TTC cycle away from becoming the Queen of the Cat Ladies.  I hope TLC does a Hoarders episode about me so I can go batshit crazy on television and finally live out a lifelong dream.

Seriously though… Having all of these cute, furry (and sometimes mean) outdoor pets is at least giving me a bit of a distraction from what is probably not happening in my babymaker right now.  So even if I do get rabies, at least there’s that.

Tomorrow is yet another beta.  I feel like this is all I’ve done for Y E A R S.  Sometimes I don’t even know how I managed to get us moved to a new city, or find a new job, or become somewhat adept at said job with all of this going on.  Sometimes I don’t even remember what it’s like to not have to take pills, and give myself shots, and pee on things, and have bloodwork every month.

I’m tired.

That’s precisely the reason the next cycle is going to be a “no-meds cycle”.  I say “no-meds cycle” because I can’t say “relaxation cycle”… I’m just trying to be honest here, people.

Regardless of the results of tomorrow’s blood test, I’ll be spending the next month drug free and attempting to live a normal life.  We’ll see how that goes…

Speaking of tomorrow’s results, I am not optimistic.  This cycle was a Femara cycle, but nothing else.  I have all but given up hope that pills will make me magically conceive, and earlier today, for a span of about ten minutes, I was spotting.  Just a little bit of brownish discoloration, really, but I’m feeling less and less hopeful as the day goes on.

I mean, this is 11DPO… It couldn’t be implantation spotting, right?  I don’t typically spot before Aunt Flo arrives, and the Prometrium has been lengthening my luteal phase, so it seems earlier for her arrival anyway, but I suppose I’ve forced so many hormones onto my system in the past six months that my body could just be screaming for a break.

Enough of the pity party!  The past week has been eventful and inspirational and has made me count my blessings more than once.

  • Hitting a crater-sized pothole in the pouring rain and blowing out not one, but TWO tires = thankful that the husband knows how to change a tire.  And is willing to do so in the rain.  And has not divorced me for significantly lowering the value of our vehicles on a regular basis.

Oh, didn't I mention that I'm married to George Clooney?

  • Getting a call from someone close to us letting us know some special news that could potentially make me spiral into a pint-of-ice-cream-an-hour depression = realizing what a blessing this truly is.
  • Finding out my hours at work are being temporarily scaled back because of the slower holiday recruitment business = finding more time at home to cook.  And blog.  (I know  you missed me.  Don’t try to pretend you didn’t.)
  • Realizing that my 31st (UUUUUGH!!!) birthday is literally right around the corner = remembering that Red Robin is going to send me a coupon for a free burger soon.  And that the Gingerbread Milkshakes are officially back in season.  (If you’ve never had one, drop whatever you’re doing and GO!  You’ll thank me later.)
  • Spending time at a benefit for a couple of  young friends of ours who recently lost their infant daughter = realization that loss is devastating, but having people who care about you is an amazing healing power.
  • Feeling sorry for my infertile self = receiving a pile of fertility books from a good friend who recently had a  hysterectomy to avoid her endometrial cancer spreading = mad perspective, yo.
  • Feeling helpless at the thought of multiple chiropractic adjustments per week to make up for the problems I didn’t know I had = coming home to find this gift from my dear Ultrasound Tech friend in my mailbox:

( “she wanted the rainbow so she put up with the rain”)

This entire week seems to have been tailor-made to make me eat my words and appreciate what I have in life.  And I do.  Truly.  More than I could ever express…

In closing, I just want to say one more word on being appreciative:  I am thankful that I am due for a visit from Aunt Flo on the biggest eat-your-feelings-and-pie day of the year.

Always be sure to count your blessings, but just this once, take Thursday off from counting calories.


This Is the Post That Never Ends…

November 10th, 2011.  CD15.


I know, I know.

I’m a sucky blogger.

I’ve been absent for far too long, and for that I’m sorry.  After the outcome of the last cycle, I was a little gun-shy, and felt like taking a step back.

No longer, though!

Things have changed, and I’ve come to peace with the fact that this road to a baby is fraught with all sorts of hangups and hiccups and big-ass potholes the size of Michigan.  I’ve reevalutated some things, and come to accept that if I’m going to pursue this goal, I’m going to just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

So I’ve been gone a while… Time for updates!

When last we spoke (or I spoke, I suppose, and you listened.  Or read.  Whatever.), I was distraught because my beta came back inconclusive and I had to repeat it.  Obviously, it came back negative the second time, and I went on to eat my feelings for about a week.

Luckily it was Halloween and there was candy available.

Since then, things have been interesting.  Let me give you a little stream of consciousness update of my activities of late:

Workplace Halloween party = success.  Dressed up like a contestant on The Bachelor, along with several other girls, and one lucky guy who got to dress as the bachelor himself.  There were games, and cupcakes, and adult beverages to be had.  I skipped those and pounded Midol, but it was still a grand old time.  …I wish Aunt Flo hadn’t interfered in my plans to attend the downtown Toledo zombie bar crawl that night, but alas, there’s always next year.

Talked to Dr. Fran a bit about the timing for the November cycle, and decided that IUI isn’t in the cards for us this month.  I have social plans, and I can’t be all like “Hey girls, you go on ahead and grab lunch.  I just gotta run out and get inseminated real quick, but I’ll meet up with you after and we can buy some cute shoes!”

We agreed that I would continue with the Femara and Prometrium, but since my social agenda gets in the way of a lot of appointment timing this month, I’m skipping the Ovidrel.  Today is my CD15, and I’m fairly certain that ovulation is happening today or tonight.  Wheeee!

We also decided that I am going to take some time off from the meds in December.  We can reconsider our options in 2012, but I don’t want to be crazy from medications at Christmas.  I mean, that’s what family’s for, right?

Last weekend, I went on a little overnighter with my girlfriends, as we met up back in our old stomping grounds in West Michigan.  It was so good to spend time with a whole bunch of my favorite females again!  We had a ton of fun, even though there were some awkward moments where two girls would be talking about their babies, one girl would pitch in with her current pregnancy status, and I would comment on the saltiness of the soup.  Soooo… yeah.  Still though – totally needed that weekend.

Oh, and another awesome thing about last weekend was the fact that it fell within days of the month that I can imbibe some spirits, yo.  And I totally did.  Pitcher of margaritas, anyone?  Later in the evening, my friend’s baby was ordering me drinks from in utero.  Turns out baby likes cotton candy martinis.  Who knew?

Work has been going well, and I’m staying busy.  I love my job.  Seriously… I know people say that, but maybe they just can’t appreciate how truly horrifying a workplace can be.  I have been there, and it was filled with pretty dresses.  I now sit at a desk all day, under a skylight, next to a big plant, and in front of a computer.  Some might say that sounds boring, but I freaking love it.

Also, it’s nice that I have enough time during lunch to update my blog.  (Oh crap, only four minutes left!)

One of my coworkers talked me into seeing a chiropractor for my neck and back tension and recurring headaches, and yesterday was my first appointment.  Dr. Bonecruncher was very nice, and as soon as she touched the tensed up baseballs in my shoulders that are supposed to be muscles, she told me she was sending me directly to physical therapy after my x-rays.  Physical therapy was basically some kind of electrical probes stuck on my shoulders and back, and they tingled and it felt amazing.  They also did some kind of vibrating back massage thing that was like heaven.  I think I’m gonna like Dr. Bonecruncher.

Even though she usually doesn’t do adjustments on the first trip to her office, the good doctor did a small adjustment on my neck, which made me feel like my head was popping off.  She said my neck was so out of place that she was surprised I could sleep at night.  She also told me that she sees solutions to fertility issues in her office all the time, and although she wasn’t guaranteeing anything, I might be able to see some benefits in more ways than just better posture and fewer headaches.  I go back in a week, and I can’t wait to see how screwed up my back is on those x-rays!

The best thing going on right now in my life is happening in less than twenty-four hours.  It’s officially time for the annual Deer Widows Weekend shopping trip with the women of the family and the crazy church ladies.  I know you’re jealous.

So, in case you have no idea what I’m talking about, this is how Deer Widows Weekend goes down:

Friday – get up at ass-crack of dawn, pack warm clothes and stretchy pants for a whole weekend, and drive to Frankenmuth, Michigan, where it’s Christmas all year.

Arrive in town around lunchtime and shop at the cute little boutiques and cheese shops.  Seriously.  They have shops that only sell cheese.  And sausage.  It’s a Bavarian town, people, the sausage is big there.

(That’s what she said.)

Anyway, after shopping in town, we check into our hotel and prepare for the rest of the day which will include shopping at Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland (THE BIGGEST CHRISTMAS STORE EVARRR!!), and dinner at Zehnder’s.  If you’ve never had family style dinner at a Bavarian restaurant, drop your laptop and head to Michigan.  For reals.  Their fried chicken and buttered noodles will change. your. life.

We will then end the day in the hotel, sorting through our purchases and gorging ourselves on leftover chicken and Bavarian cheeses.

Saturday – Up at ass-crack of dawn yet again, this time to prepare for a day of outlet mall shopping.  The crazy church ladies have it down to a science at this point.  I have had coupons and maps printed for weeks, and I am ready for battle.  Look out, women of Birch Run!  I am ready for some bargains!!

A late dinner will follow the shopping adventure, and then we sometimes head back to Bronner’s if we have forgotten any important Christmas paraphernalia in our previous trips.  After all of that, it’s back to the hotel to sort out our purchases and relax a bit.

Sunday – Pack for home, and make room in the car for any last minute purchases that might occur on the way out of town.  Because they always do…

The best part of this whole weekend is going to be spending time with my mom, little sister (it’s her first trip!), and my sister-in-law, who I know is not a huge shopper, but who I’m sure will find things to love about this trip as well.  I mean, she gets to spend time with me, and I may or may not have started taking the crazy pills by the end of the weekend, so BatshitcrazyTracy might at least be a little bit entertaining.

Plus we get to spend money!  Without any men around to tell us not to!  Yesssss!

So anyway, I’m pretty psyched about tomorrow and the upcoming weekend.  I’m taking a day off of work, and heading out early on my own little road trip, and the poor husband will be home alone with the pets.  Oh whatever will he do without me?

…I somehow get the feeling he will fill his lonely hours with football and other such mindless entertainment, the evidence of which will be mysteriously erased from my laptop’s memory by the time I return home.

So, the moral of that mind-numbingly long story is that I am happy.  I am content with where I am right now, and I am trying not to be stressed out about what may (or may not) come.  I have decided not to spend the holidays medicated, and we can revisit our infertility issues after the new year.

Until then, the holidays are practically upon us!

Joy to the World, bitches!

…And, happy spending, fellow shoppers!

Beauty Clean and Simple

Searching for simple beauty with Natalie Schultz

Enchanted Crystal Moon

Magical Happenings

Destiny Tuning Secret

Manifestation Miracles Today

Curly Hair Gurl With A Blog

Ohhh,gurl,she Blogs

Late Bloomer Press

Growing out of that awkward stage is highly overrated.

Nuala Reilly: A Writer's Journey

I'm just a girl, standing in front of chocolate, asking it to love her.

Whole Milk and Half-Crazy

Excerpts from an exceptional(ly ridiculous) life.

Motherhood & Everything Else

pregnancy, motherhood, marriage, and life after miscarriage


hello, please advise

Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.