This photo was taken almost three years ago during my best friend’s wedding weekend. Obviously we were at a bowling alley.
Even more obviously, I do not bowl well and therefore like to put bowling balls in my shirt. …I mean, who doesn’t? Right?
I was just scrolling through some pictures and came across this one. The girl in this photo is just happy to be with her friends and doesn’t know a thing about feeling jealous of someone who’s been as close as a sister for 20 plus years because she was able to get pregnant four months after this photo was taken. She also doesn’t know anything about charting periods or basal body temps, or sperm counts or fertility meds.
This girl is happy, and for all she knows, perfectly fertile.
Then again, this girl also has a bowling ball baby… So maybe she’s a little… off.
Either way, the girl writing this blog post sincerely wishes that she could be as happy and carefree as the girl in the photo.
And that the bowling ball baby will someday become a real baby.
And maybe even that she could possibly retain the same ass-to-belly ratio when it happens.
…Okay, I’m not pushing my luck. I’ll just take the baby, thanks.
Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... 
I hear you… knowledge, experience, particularly this kind of experience, robs us of a sense of ‘innocence’ it’s hard to reconnect with… but I believe you ARE fertile and you will soon have a ‘real baby’, a baby you will love, appreciate and give thanks for more than anyone else because you know what it feels not to have him/her… in the meantime, keep on charting, preparing your body and inviting them into your life. Your baby already knows s/he is loved.
(PS: not so sure about the ‘ass-to belly ratio’ though 😉
LikeLike
Thank you, Su. 🙂 You are right about this process robbing us of our innocence. I think that’s why I feel like I’ve drifted away from some of my closest friends lately, because they have babies, and I feel like a sad burden in their otherwise happy lives. I am trying to just keep my eyes on the prize, and remember the reason I’m going through all of this…
…And also that I’m not going through it alone! 🙂
LikeLike
I agree with Su. One of the things that is frustrating about this process is how you loose that innocence about what it takes to get pregnant and keep a pregnancy. Previously we’ve been taught that it is so easy and you have to be really careful not to be pregnant. It’s hard when the reality doesn’t match up to what we’ve been told.
I hope you get your real bowling ball baby soon, but if not I hopw you can find that happy girl.
LikeLike
The happy girl is still here, she just has more knowledge of how painful life can be than most of her friends do. It makes it hard to connect sometimes, but she’s no victim. She’s making her dream a reality one day, one pill, one shot at a time.
She will get her baby. Oh yes. And then she will post pictures of her baby all over the interwebs and her friends will be soooo tired of hearing about it. 😉
LikeLike