Social Lubricant

Apply liberally for maximum results.

I know you’re all dying to read about my misadventures in baby-making at the husband’s parents’ house, but I have something else in mind.  Rather than give you all a play-by-play of The Craziest Weekend in Recent History, I’d instead like to share with you a list I’ve compiled over the past three days of bits of advice that might come in handy to you… That might have come in handy to me of late.

◊  First, if you have been TTC for some time now, do not try to plan your Sexy-Time into a 12.5 minute window in between getting home from work and leaving for a weekend away.  It won’t work.  You’ll either be late, or you’ll be too stressed to perform.  Or both.  …Actually, definitely both.

◊  If you have offered to be the designated driver for a bachelorette party, and your mother-in-law kindly offers to take that responsibility off your hands for the evening because she is concerned about how stressed you’ve been recently, do not treat this as an opportunity to drink a glass of beer twice the size of your forearm in six minutes or less.  Also, as an added reminder, if you have not consumed any alcohol for almost a year, you should be extra careful.  The booze will bite back.

◊  When you are in an awkward social situation, such as meeting the future in-laws of one of your current in-laws, do not treat your anxiety with vodka.

◊  If the situations above have already commenced, and you are out way past your bedtime, aware that Daylight Savings Time will be stripping an extra hour of your drunksleep away from you, and you know you have to get up early to help with a family bridal shower, your next drink should be a glass of water.

◊  If you chose to bypass the water and go directly to more beer, do not be surprised if you get into deep intellectual conversations with bar friends about tattoos, karaoke, and the mating habits of certain species of songbirds.  Also, be prepared to pass out cold (wearing only one sock) and not get any Sexy-Time in your in-laws’ spare bedroom.

♦  If you are some kind of marathon runner (or marathon drinker, I guess) and have the stamina to still perform after consuming so many adult beverages, then be sure that your Sexy-Time is accompanied by a gag of some sort.  Drunk people are loud, and they are rarely aware of that fact.

◊  Be also advised, my friends, that the entire scenario played out above will probably result in several hours of lurching around like a zombie the next morning, and at least three visits to the powder room to attempt to “purge the toxins”.

◊  If you find that you are able to get through this whole messy and embarrassing fiasco while still managing look presentable (after slapping on a perma-grin and some serious makeup), well then you deserve a pat on the back, sister.

And a bloody mary.  Or two.

So, the moral of the list story is this:

Alcohol may be a great de-stressing agent and social lubricant, but it won’t always get you laid…

In summation, my weekend was pretty great.  I started out stressed to the max and tightly wound, but with the help of some ancient relaxation techniques (spending time with friends, excessive carbohydrate consumption, and inebriation), I managed to not only have a good time (except for the vomiting…), but also accomplished my Sexy-Time goal… if even a night later than I had intended.

It may have started out with a fizzle, but the weekend went out with a bang.

…If ya know what I mean.

And I’m betting you do.

 

 

 

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4 comments on “Social Lubricant

  1. kboo
    March 14, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

    OMG, this post was definitely worth the wait! 🙂 The bold, “your next drink should be a glass of water” made me bust out laughing. And just one sock? I dare ask how that happened?!

    Like

    • Tracy
      March 14, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

      I couldn’t tell ya, kboo, but I bet my friend Stoli probably knows. :/

      Like

  2. nadstherubberduckie
    March 14, 2011 at 11:09 pm #

    Oh man….that gave me a laugh! Where was the other sock? On the door knob?

    Like

    • Tracy
      March 14, 2011 at 11:29 pm #

      Haha, I don’t think there was a lot of thought behind the sock, except maybe that I managed to get the first one off, and passed out before I could manage the second.

      Like

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