Pregnancy is a state of flux, and understandably so. So much is changing that sometimes it makes my head spin. The night-and-day differences in my life now versus my life a year ago are cuh-RAZY. Sometimes I can barely comprehend it all. As an infertile, there was this thing pregnant moms did that always annoyed […]
If there’s one thing infertility has taken from me, it’s been my optimism from time to time. Sometimes it’s been gone longer than others… I try to keep a positive attitude, even when things are darkest, but it’s just not always possible. There are times that I succumb to the darkness, and let myself think […]
I’m becoming concerned that I may be the only one who does this one thing… or at least, the only one who’s still trying after ALL THIS TIME who still does this thing. It’s sort of embarrassing. It’s just… my thing. It’s maybe a normal thing for any of-age woman dreaming of having a family […]
I don’t remember the day the husband and I decided to start trying for a baby. I don’t remember when I started thinking about somewhat foreign concepts like ovulation and cycle length. I don’t even remember talking to the husband about having children. I just knew that we would, and that we’d probably get started […]
I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about why exactly I am on this particular journey. I keep going back to my, ahem, formative years; did I take birth control for too long? Did that cervical cancer scare and subsequent LEEP procedure somehow hinder my future efforts? Did I just plain wait too long? Was […]
“Dum spiro spero.”
Marcus Tullius Cicero
I’ve been thinking about this tattoo for a long time. I knew what I wanted it to mean, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what I wanted it to say or look like.
A couple of months back, I was raiding the book shelf for an old book to lend to a friend when I came across my Latin textbook from high school. I took a few years of Latin, which seems like a total waste of time unless you’re going to become a doctor or a lawyer – neither of which I am.
I loved Latin for the sheer fact that I love the written word. I was in love with the way words started out, morphed into something new, and transcended languages in order to become this universal understanding in a few simple letters. Latin for me was all about English, strange as that seems.
When I ran across this book, dusty from years (and yeeeeears) of neglect, I sat down for a minute to flip through the chapters. Stuck in between the pages was a piece of college-ruled notebook paper, and written in pencil was this:
Dum spiro spero.
While I breathe, I hope.
I can only assume this was part of some homework assignment from back when I was sixteen years old. Back when I knew nothing of what it meant to truly hope. Or before I knew what it meant to just breathe through the pain, hoping for relief on the other side.
The paper, the handwriting – my handwriting – hit me like a ton of bricks. The statement was something I’d studied and long since forgotten, and yet it’s a lesson I am still learning, every single day.
Knowing what I wanted to say was half the battle, but knowing how to incorporate it into a design was something I had trouble imagining.
I have always loved birds. All kinds of birds. I have my grandmother to thank for that… I learned to read from her Audubon field guide.
Steadfast robins, chipper chickadees, regal cardinals, spunky sparrows, beautiful bluebirds, even raucous blue jays. I love the freedom in the form of a bird; a creature that can literally leave a situation by taking flight. The purest form of freedom, as their troubles cannot often follow where they fly.
I started researching bird tattoos and came across some information that solidified my choice. The traditional swallow tattoo was one that mariners and sailors received after logging five thousand miles at sea. They received their second after ten thousand miles.
The swallows were said to represent a long and arduous journey and hope for calm seas and a smooth passage home.
I’m no sailor, but I’ve been on a journey of my own. If miles were dollars spent in the attempt to conceive, I’d have a flock of swallows tattooed on me by now.
This ink is something I’ll live with forever. Something to remind me always of this journey, whether it has a happy ending or not. A permanent manifestation of hardship lived, freedom from strife reaffirmed, and the hope of calm seas for the rest of the journey.
I know that my journey is not over; in fact, it may only have just begun. There may be more struggles ahead for me, but even when things get stormy, to my last dying breath, I will always have hope.
Today is the day! It’s not my first tattoo, but it’s been so long since the last one that I’m nervous! I’m also super excited. I am currently planning an outfit to wear to my tattoo appointment. I might be crazy. Oh well. Anyway, stay tuned for updates… and photos! :)
June 25th, 2011. CD24, 11DPO. So, aside from feeling kinda PMS-y, giving in to the urge to eat every sweet and salty thing in sight, and this weird twinge-y feeling in my general pelvic area, I have reason to suspect that this cycle might give me reason to hope–more so than previous cycles have allowed… […]
I know that as Infertiles, Mothers Day is supposed to make us bitter and resentful at the universe for our unending barrenness.
That sentiment seems a little selfish to me. I mean, I may not have children (yet), but I do still have my mother, my mother-in-law, and my grandmother-in-law in my life. This should be a day used to celebrate those that we still have with us, those women who brought us up. Today should be the day to honor the women in our lives who have changed our diapers, yelled at us for crossing the street without looking both ways, stayed up all night waiting for us to sneak back into the house, and not telling Dad how late we got home or who it was that dropped us off.
For me, this is a day to honor them that I do have, not a day to cry about what I don’t.
Besides, I celebrate that every other day of the year…
And so, in honor of Mothers Day (and in honor of not taking yourself too seriously in life), I present to you an excerpt from the mind-blowingly awesome book I’m currently reading–Bossypants, by Tina Fey.