Monday, July 28th, 2014. 18w 4d.
Obviously becoming pregnant is a situation that is rife with change. Your body changes, your lifestyle changes, your heart and soul change. I’ve noticed some of the obvious changes in my waistline and bra size, yes, but there have been other, more subtle changes happening behind the scenes that sometimes sneak up on me. Some of these are changes in my mindset and the way I’ve come to protect myself through infertility.
I’d like to share some of these changes, big and small, with you now.
If I notice the clock says 11:11, I no longer think “Please…”. I’ve caught myself instead whispering “Thank you…”.
I’m not as terrified of babies as I once was. I used to avoid them when possible, and usually turned down holding them at all. I walked away from baby-centered conversations if I could, and tried not to look horribly uncomfortable if I couldn’t. Today I’m noticing that I am warming up to those squirmy little snot-factories more and more, which I suppose is a good thing if I’m to have one running my own home like the tiny, miraculous terrorists I still mostly believe them to be.
As I said above, my waistline is expanding. Most of my pants now either don’t button whatsoever, or are held up with the help of a giant elastic band worn under my shirts and over my pants. I even have a couple pairs of honest to God maternity pants that I bought from an honest to God maternity store. That experience was completely surreal, and to be honest, when I wear those pants, I feel like a supermodel. Some women aspire to be thin and svelte and curvy… I’ve always aspired to have a baby belly to show off. It’s nice to finally have that little bump I’ve envied for so long.
Aiding in that growing bump is likely the fact that I’m allowing myself to just EAT. Not that I wasn’t before, but I was still being rather careful about my choices most of the time. These days however, I’m just eating what sounds good (which is sometimes not so great for me, I’m sure), but I feel a certain freedom in indulging because I CAN.
I’ve started feeling like a bit of a fraud when talking with my fellow Infertiles. While I believe that I will always feel like one of them, at the moment it’s hard to feel infertile AND pregnant at the same time. I’m walking an interesting line… I sort of feel like a college freshman who is attending her high school’s prom with her one year younger boyfriend. HA. When I’m with them, I’m not fully a part of their world and we all know it. When I’m not with them, I’m trying as best I can to immerse myself in fertile culture, which I had heretofore avoided like the plague. I may never fully come around to mommy blogs and play groups the way some do, but I am putting forth an effort to join the party without distancing myself from those who I will always consider my sisters.
My boobs are epic. I mean, they’re huge and hard and veiny and kind of gross-looking, honestly, but they ARE huge. I’ve had to upgrade bra sizes recently, and I can see that I will have to do so another time or two at least. Fun for the husband, but not so fun for my wallet.
Speaking of money, I’ve begun to think differently in terms of spending lately. Before, we allotted quite a large sum to pay for infertility treatments, acupuncture, herbs, and all sorts of other business that wasn’t covered by insurance. Now, because apparently infertility is “cosmetic” and because having a baby is “a normal medical condition” (just, UGH), everything seems to be covered by insurance. Hooray, right? Well, it’s not like we have extra spending money by any means… Funds are now being funneled toward things I never thought I’d buy – cribs, diapers, snot-suckers, eleventy billion teeny, tiny babeh socks. And more diapers.
I’m starting to become more comfortable even saying “I’m pregnant”. Before it was like a curse you didn’t want to say out loud, risking hexing yourself that it might never happen. Now, I’m getting used to it. More so, hearing other people say it is becoming less… weird. I’m awkward as humans go, and so I might be more likely to say something like “I’m growing a person” or “I’m hosting a parasite”. Adorable, right? I know. I’m awkward.
Something that hasn’t changed is the absolute astonishment that this is my life.
I am so completely amazed that I am able to tell people that I overcame infertility. I get to share my story and offer hope to others that they too can graduate. I am so fortunate to be able to walk this line between two worlds of complete love and support.
It never fails to blow me away when I can say those blessed sacraments that Infertiles barely dare to speak in their hearts: